Why the confusion about marriage? What is it?

Two conflicting definitions of marriage

Most people are unaware that there at two conflicting definitions of marriage that are prevalent in society today.  These two definitions are at the root of confusion about what marriage is.

1. Some people think marriage is merely a committed relationship for the benefit (or private interest) of loving adults.
   
2. Others recognize that marriage unites a man and a woman with each other and ANY children born from their union.
   
   The second definition reflects the reality that it takes one man and one woman to form a complete human unit for the continuation of society.  This is a reality that is independent of one's belief in God or adherence to any religion. This is a reality that has been recognized by every culture, every state, and every religion throughout history. This definition states a fact that is absolutely true. This is what marriage is and this is what marriage does. 

Think about it. What is the public interest of each definition?

• Which definition ought to be promoted for the benefit of the state and society?
• Which definition coincides with the common interest that every child without exception has in the marriage of his or her mother and father?

First, it is important to remind ourselves of a fact that has become increasingly obscured — each, and therefore every, child without exception has a mother and a father. That is a fact.  It is something that is not only common to each, and therefore all, but it is also something that is good — that contributes to human flourishing.  When a child loses a mother and/or father for any reason, that child is in a state of privation. That is a fact. The child is deprived of something common and something good.

We know this to be true.  Simply turn to your own experience.  Every person without exception desires a connection with the man and woman from whom they originated.  That desire, said in a different way, is a desire for a married mother and father. This is true. Who does not desire that?  Think of the anectdotal evidence of children from sperm donors walking down the street looking for people who look like them.  Think about stories of adopted children searching for their mothers or fathers.  How easily do we insert the word birth mother or biological father as if the term has no significance to the child — a child who has that same desire for connection that you have.  The privation is real.

Consequences of confusion about marriage

What are the consequences of thinking "marriage" is merely a committed relationship for the benefit of adults?

• The connection between marriage, children, and mothers and fathers are lost.
• There is no longer a reason for a couple to be of the opposite sex to marry.
• Marriage becomes unnecessary for children and family.
• More and more children are deprived of married mothers and fathers.

Here is proof. Today 4 out of 10 children are born to unmarried mothers. That is a fact. Why?

Did you know:

• 56% of high school seniors believe it is OK to have children and not be married. (University of Michigan survey)
• Only 30% of adults, 18-39 years old, believe marriage is important if men and women have children together. (Gallup survey)
• 44% of 18-29 year olds think marriage is obsolete. (Pew Research Center survey)
• Cohabitation rates/1000 adults have increased 1200% since 1970

This has real consequences for society.

• Virtually all of the increase in child poverty in the U.S. since the 1970s can be attributed to family breakdown—Isabel Sawhill, Brookings Institution
• "Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents to
  • be poor, 
  • use drugs,  
  • experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems,
  • be victims of child abuse, and
  • engage in criminal behavior."
    (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2008)

Considering the consequences, promoting marriage that unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union becomes an imperative for the state and institutions of society.  It is a matter of social justice.  And, it should be a concern of every parent.

The Problem with Redefining Marriage to Accomodate Same-sex Couples

Ironically, the problems with redefining marriage to acommodate same-sex couples have nothing to do with the same-sex couples themselves, human rights, or the ability of people of the same sex to love one another.  The problem is rooted in the fact that many people, especially the majority of young people, think that "marriage" is merely a committed relationship for the benefit of adults.  When one holds this view, it would follow that reserving marriage exclusively for opposite sex couples would be discriminatory because there would no longer be any reason to do so.

The new definition has no connection with procreation or the natural family.  When one holds this view of marriage, there would also no longer be any reason for reserving marriage to just two people, because the justification for banning polygamy has always been the public interest in the protection of children and mothers.  The driving force for marriage qualifications would become whatever suits the private interests of adults.

When people talk about legalizing "same-sex marriage" what they are really talking about, sometimes unwittingly, is enshrining this new definition in the law — that "marriage" is merely a committed relationship for the private interest of adults. Therefore, they are not advocating a new kind of marriage, but simply redefining marriage to accomodate same-sex couples.

Federal District Judge Vaughn Walker in San Francisco (August 2010) actually redefined marriage inthis way to accommodate the interest of same-sex couples in his decision. The newly created definition was the basis for finding no rational reason to any longer define marriage as a union of a man and a woman.  He used this new definition to overturn Proposition 8 and the will of over 7 million voters.  This is the same definition of "marriage" that the judges were considering when they found marriage that unites a man and a woman discriminatory in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, and in California when the state Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act in May 2008.

Redefining "marriage" as merely a committed relationship for the private interest of adults also has other severe consequences:

• It would become legally discriminatory to publicly hold the view or advocate that the union between a man and a woman has a unique value for society and the common interest of every child without exception.  It would have severe consequences for dissenters, secular and religious.  It would essentially prohibit promoting the centrality and integrity of marriage, that unites a man and a woman, for children and society.
• The new definition of "marriage" as merely a committed relationship for the private interest of adults would be required to be taught in schools. Understandably, this will have consequences for the choices young people make in life regarding marriage, children, and family. It will further contribute to the breakdown of the family with its pernicious consequences.

Advocating for Marriage with Family Members and Friends

There is currently a heated and divisive debate about legalizing "same-sex marriage".  As discussed above there is no new entity called "same-sex marriage" and the debate is really about two conflicting and incompatible definitions of marriage that have nothing to do with same-sex couples, human rights of gays and lesbians, homosexuality, or alternative lifestyles.  Do not get sucked into discussion about the pros and cons of "same-sex marriage" or alternative lifestyles.  Start by clarifying that there are two definitions of marriage and the real debate must be about the public interest of each. 

• If marriage is merely a committed relationship for the private interest of adults, then it would be discriminatory to reserve it only for one man and one woman or any particular number of people. But what is the public interest?
• If, as we know, marriage unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union, the public interest is clear.  And it coincides with the common interest that every child without exception has in the marriage of his or her mother and father.

Children are powerless to advocate for their interests — interests that we can confirm by our own desire for connection with the man and woman from whom we originated. Children cannot articulate their needs. They don't vote. They don't organize. They depend on adults to represent their interests.

It is time to make a choice between the two definitions of marriage.  Do you stand with the private interest of adults or with the common interest of every child without exception?  Do you choose to remain silent, or do you choose to confront the false understanding of marriage that is undermining the foundation of your own extended family?

Where and how do children learn about marriage and decide whether to make it a priority in their lives?  Do they learn it at home or through peers, school, and popular culture?  What can you do to help reverse corruption of marriage and promote its centrality and integrity for children and society?  It is time to choose to stand with children.